Chronic Illness Update

Chronic Illness Update

So today was my appointment with my Rheumatologist in downtown Vancouver. The drive is painful at best and gives me just enough time to push my anxiety level to maximum overdrive. (roughly 45mins drive). 

Mercifully, she is fantastic and took me earlier than my appointment time. (how many Doctor's can do that?)  We spent the majority of the visit, discussing my Fibromyalgia and Disability Tribunal in February. After having such a horrid visit with my family Doctor a couple weeks ago, I was determined to make sure my specialist knew everything that I was feeling and experiencing before being 'pushed out' the door. 

She allowed me the time to sit and cry hysterically at one point while talking about my lack of appetite and inability to eat most days. She is quite concerned about my weight loss and vomit/nausea issues. 

While acknowledging my Chronic Illnesses (Osteoarthritis, Meniere's Disease, Fibromyalgia, Depression, Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Pain), she is also now checking me for Lupus. 

I guess, the best part of the visit, was the fact that she sat and let me vent about my family doctor. She made worthwhile and logical suggestions as well as ordering tests that haven't been done (that should be done on a monthly basis).

I told my doctor that I was fully aware of the progression and deterioration of the diseases and I'm at peace with that. What I cannot contend with is the day-to-day issues of the illnesses. I never know what to expect from one day to the next and that is the frustrating part.

I would love to know that tomorrow my pain level would be a 6 (that's amazing and as close to pain free for me as I get). I would like to know that I won't be strapped to the bed/sofa because even the slightest movement causes excruciating pain. I would love to be able to plan events days or months in advance without worrying about having to cancel because I'm completely immobile.

The guilt I feel is tremendous. Not because I can't work but because of the fear that I may have doomed my child to the same issues. Goddess, I hope not for her sake.

So now the countdown starts to the Tribunal. I'm far from confident on my case but know that whatever happens is supposed to happen. Of that, I have no doubt. Fate and destiny are the two things I never dispute. 

The journey continues.....

WHAT CAN I EAT TODAY?

Such a simplistic question should be fairly simple to respond to right? Unfortunately, that is one question I dread these days. Its the unending roller coaster that is my stomach that dictates how my day will go food wise. One day, I can eat whatever and experience discomfort that is moderately tolerable and the next day, even water makes for good porcelain god worship. 


I could handle not eating very much provided what I did eat stayed down. The violent bowel explosions, excruciating stomach pain and depression that comes from a disappointing meal attempt make it so difficult to even want to eat.  


While I am enjoying the weight loss (40 lbs approx), the rapid loss scares me greatly and the lack of answers surrounding the issue worry me even more. Sure the label of 'IBS' (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is fine but it doesn't quite engulf everything I endure on a daily basis. Add that to the Fibromyalgia, Meniere's Disease, Osteoarthritis and chronic Depression and you have the medical concoction that is my life. 


I am well aware that there is no cure for any of the conditions and aware that medications only 'help' control the symptoms and 'slightly' ease the pain but really don't heal. The ongoing fight with  government to get my 'disability' pension is wearing me down but I am not giving up. I know that work is not an option for me anymore. The amount of pain may vary from day-to-day but it is always there. 


I wish that there was a magic wand that could make me and everyone else who suffers from Chronic Illnesses happily healed. Until then, I guess I'll just have to wait patiently ha ha and endure every day as it comes. 


The sum of my pain does not define me as a person, I define myself as me. I just wish I knew what that definition was. 


cheers