Dear IBS

January 31st


Dear Irritable Bowel Syndrome,


You and I have been having this tug of war battle for a while now and I feel like I'm losing my footing. I no longer have days where I'm not chained to the bathroom. I never know from one moment to the next how much pain I'll have or if I can actually eat and keep the food down. 


I understand that you are a problem that hits world wide. I totally get that you don't have a cure and that treatment doesn't always help. My concern is that you are now taking over my life. I struggle to eat because I don't want the hassle of vomiting into the nearest toilet. 


You were not invited into my life nor were you ever really desired. You showed up, took over my body and gave me this shallow frail identity in lieu of my original strong frame. Thank you but you can take it back. 


I've sought advice from Doctors, seen countless Specialists, unending hospital visits and nights in emergency. X-rays, CT Scans, MRI`s, Blood work, you have demanded it all, yet you give nothing but grief and sorrow in return. 


Why did you choose me? What heinous crime did I commit to deserve this harsh sentence? 


I beg for mercy and reprieve.  Leave me to enjoy the rest of my years. Although, I know this request is falling on deaf ears. You are what you are: A painful, irritating disease. 


Signed in disgust 


Stomach.

WHAT CAN I EAT TODAY?

Such a simplistic question should be fairly simple to respond to right? Unfortunately, that is one question I dread these days. Its the unending roller coaster that is my stomach that dictates how my day will go food wise. One day, I can eat whatever and experience discomfort that is moderately tolerable and the next day, even water makes for good porcelain god worship. 


I could handle not eating very much provided what I did eat stayed down. The violent bowel explosions, excruciating stomach pain and depression that comes from a disappointing meal attempt make it so difficult to even want to eat.  


While I am enjoying the weight loss (40 lbs approx), the rapid loss scares me greatly and the lack of answers surrounding the issue worry me even more. Sure the label of 'IBS' (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is fine but it doesn't quite engulf everything I endure on a daily basis. Add that to the Fibromyalgia, Meniere's Disease, Osteoarthritis and chronic Depression and you have the medical concoction that is my life. 


I am well aware that there is no cure for any of the conditions and aware that medications only 'help' control the symptoms and 'slightly' ease the pain but really don't heal. The ongoing fight with  government to get my 'disability' pension is wearing me down but I am not giving up. I know that work is not an option for me anymore. The amount of pain may vary from day-to-day but it is always there. 


I wish that there was a magic wand that could make me and everyone else who suffers from Chronic Illnesses happily healed. Until then, I guess I'll just have to wait patiently ha ha and endure every day as it comes. 


The sum of my pain does not define me as a person, I define myself as me. I just wish I knew what that definition was. 


cheers

MRI....CHRONIC ILLNESS UPDATE

After waiting for years and years (started Sept 2007), I'm FINALLY having a lumbar spine MRI. When I was in my early 20's I had a Spinal Tap to check for menighetis and it is now the location that is literally the pain of my existence. 


It's the one missing piece to the medical puzzle that I'm certain the Canadian Govt has been waiting for in order to vote in my favor for Canada Pension Disability. I haven't been able to work since the above dated and my health has continued to degrade to the point it is today.


The chronic pain syndrome, the fibromyalgia, the meniere's disease, the osteoarthritis, chronic manic depression and of course let's not forget the IBS and an undiagnosed stomach issue (down almost 40 lbs since August due to stomach issues) just didn't seem to be enough for them to make a judgement on. 


Of course the worst part of the MRI is the MRI itself. Since I'm so claustrophobic, the only way to get me anywhere near that damn machine is by making me completely and utterly medically stoned :)


So off we go to Royal Columbian Hospital and the trusted radiologist (have to say that for my own mental state lol) and in the loving and safe arms of my husband. He is so my rock and my biggest support mentally, physically and emotionally. He is my hero no matter what he thinks. I likely would've taken my own life by now if it wasn't for him. He keeps reminding me that just because I have chronic illnesses, constant pain and anguish, that I still have his love, the love of our family and friends and that sun always shines. (even if it looks like water droplets lol )


Wish me luck, my blogger buddies. 

PAIN is such a rush....NOT

PAIN IS SUCH A RUSH....NOT

The last couple of days have been very challenging pain wise. After a very long drive to the doctor's office, the normal wait time in the waiting room and then the rushed up out the door appointment left me in severe pain, deeper depression and still no answers. 

Doctor has no clue as to why I'm having so many problems with keeping food down. While the IBS is the culprit for a large portion of the issue, there are several questions that just don't have adequate answers. At least for me anyways. 

Of course, the rotten weather isn't helping much either. The dismal sky, along with the dampness of the rain leave me wanting a hot tub, a large bottle of Tinhorn Creek Merlot and snuggling under the blankies with my hubby. Alas, life doesn't always agree to your desires. At least hockey is on :)

Tomorrow is another day, but tonight I remain in a depressive painful mood. As "Annie" would say, "The sun will come out tomorrow".