Coping with Loss A Journey to Self Healing

September 11 2001


A day that needs no remarks really because everyone in the world recognizes that date for one reason or another. For me, that date came with a very high price; life.  The profound loss from that day has been at best a challenge to contend with. At worst, it reminds me of mortality and what has been left in deaths wake.


Sure, everyone will tell you that you have to go through all the stages of grief before you can truly heal, but what if you can't manage the stages? Anger seems to be the stage that staggers my progress of self healing. I'm angry that I wasn't there to save my friends. I'm angry that terrorists disrupted the lives of millions by becoming mass murderers. I'm angry that vengeance really didn't resolve any issue. I'm angry that I can't watch any of my 'military action' films without crying hysterically. I'm angry that family and friends that weren't affected by the tragedy don't understand emotional upheaval. Mostly, I'm angry that I was made to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.


So here it is 10 yrs later. Wow! I can't even fathom that 10 years have flown by without me even noticing. To me, it is still like it just happened. The nightmares are as vivid as reality. I struggle daily with feeling desolation and hatred. There hasn't really been any comfort for me. People have tried to comfort me in a myriad of ways but still the pain flows over me like a waterfall during winter thaw. 


Those who were lost, their lives have been forever marked with the black pen of murder. Their families left to continue their journey alone and with an unfillable void.  An annual memorial service reminds us all what transpired and what was lost but it doesn't change history. 


We will all eventually be able to move on, cope and heal but those of us who still struggle daily will always feel the anguish and yearn to turn back the clock to a happier time. My clock would be turned back so far that my life would not reveal itself to be anything like it is right now. That being said, I am who I am because of what has happened not in spite of it. 


"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger", a quote that I've recited over and over again but absolutely without a doubt do not believe for a second. That which doesn't kill us, leaves us here to endure the death of others. 


To those that I have lost, I say, I miss you and love you always. To those who have lost, I say, you are never alone and you will always find a shoulder or tissue to cry into.


forever x eternity = infinity 

POST MRI UPDATE

While I totally appreciate and am thrilled that the medical world has had such marvelous breakthroughs via testing equipment. I am however, annoyed at the person who thought creating a cylinder to engulf a human into with loud noises, spins and a rigid stay in place zone thinking it would be a 'great relaxing test'. I call bullshit!!!


2 Ativans, encouragement from the husband and sheer fear led me to the Imaging room at RCH (Royal Columbian Hospital). The ear plugs stuffed into my ears like she was stuffing a turkey. The warm cozy blanket was a comfort and the towel over the eyes was meant to keep me calm. HA! Not so much! Panic + hot flash = get me out now. We had to stop the testing for a few minutes in order for me to contend with the panic attack/hot flash. She was totally understanding, removed the hot blanket and then shoved me back into the 'easy bake oven', until I was sufficiently filled Gamma Radiation. 


Too bad, I wonder if I had stayed in longer if I would've come out a super hero. I can see it all now, a comic book, movie deal and even the spandex costume. "Rise of the RavenBran". She can scream bloody murder while jumping over tall buildings. She'll cry for days after chasing cats into tight small places. Her super power is her Super Panic Attack. The shrills alone will disarm any bandits she encounters from laughter. 


All seriousness aside, the MRI went as well as it could and now a wonderful 7-10 days worth of waiting for results. 


Insert massive panic now.

Thunderstorms...excerpt from 'Inside the Dragon's Heart'

Thunderstorms

 Storm brewing off in the distance

A roaring fire warms the candlelit room

Down filled blanket covers the floor

Half empty wine glasses rest easy

Thunder rolls louder and louder

Tears well in the fear stricken eyes

A gentle embrace to ensure security

Lips softly pressed together for reassurances

 Pillows tossed down to rest the heads

Goosebumps overwhelm the exposed flesh

The desire for snuggling close

Becomes stronger with each crack of lightening

Tears intensify as slight fear turns to terror

Curtains drawn tightly closed

Yet still the lightening intrudes

Screams echo in the house’s silence

 As a child the storms brought forth nightmares

The adult turns into the weeping child

Pleading for its ending

The thunder rolls as if angered by the pleads

With a final mighty crack of lightening

The skies open up to a torrential rain

Dousing the earth with its life-giving moisture

The thunder and lightening cease

As if commanded by the clouds

Another thunderstorm passes by

The season almost at its end

Fears subside a little more each time

One day gone for good

Till then there are always teddy bears!

Sher Boudreau..2002-08-22 ©