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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Coping with Loss A Journey to Self Healing

September 11 2001

A day that needs no remarks really because everyone in the world recognizes that date for one reason or another. For me, that date came with a very high price; life.  The profound loss from that day has been at best a challenge to contend with. At worst, it reminds me of mortality and what has been left in deaths wake.

Sure, everyone will tell you that you have to go through all the stages of grief before you can truly heal, but what if you can't manage the stages? Anger seems to be the stage that staggers my progress of self healing. I'm angry that I wasn't there to save my friends. I'm angry that terrorists disrupted the lives of millions by becoming mass murderers. I'm angry that vengeance really didn't resolve any issue. I'm angry that I can't watch any of my 'military action' films without crying hysterically. I'm angry that family and friends that weren't affected by the tragedy don't understand emotional upheaval. Mostly, I'm angry that I was made to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.

So here it is 10 yrs later. Wow! I can't even fathom that 10 years have flown by without me even noticing. To me, it is still like it just happened. The nightmares are as vivid as reality. I struggle daily with feeling desolation and hatred. There hasn't really been any comfort for me. People have tried to comfort me in a myriad of ways but still the pain flows over me like a waterfall during winter thaw. 

Those who were lost, their lives have been forever marked with the black pen of murder. Their families left to continue their journey alone and with an unfillable void.  An annual memorial service reminds us all what transpired and what was lost but it doesn't change history. 

We will all eventually be able to move on, cope and heal but those of us who still struggle daily will always feel the anguish and yearn to turn back the clock to a happier time. My clock would be turned back so far that my life would not reveal itself to be anything like it is right now. That being said, I am who I am because of what has happened not in spite of it. 

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger", a quote that I've recited over and over again but absolutely without a doubt do not believe for a second. That which doesn't kill us, leaves us here to endure the death of others. 

To those that I have lost, I say, I miss you and love you always. To those who have lost, I say, you are never alone and you will always find a shoulder or tissue to cry into.

forever x eternity = infinity 

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