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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Whew, it's Over...for the moment

February 23, 2012

I often wondered what this day would look like. The day after the Disability Tribunal was over. Somehow, my perception of what it would be like and the reality are in stark contrast to one another. 

Five long years of fighting tooth and nail all the way. The climb to this apex was met with disappointments, wavering emotions and several emotional collapses along the escalator of justice. I suppose justice isn't really the correct word since I don't believe the government owes me justice rather than the agreement that my life is not what it once was. A validation of my symptoms, diagnoses, diseases. An acknowledgement that I am disabled. 

Everyone else can see the disability, how is it that the government can't? I reckon because that is their job. They are there to make sure all applications are real. My position on this is simple, if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't have applied in the first place.

So now, the waiting game starts all over again. Up to four months of waiting for a decision with regards to the last five years of my life and my life still yet to come. 

If I had things my way, I wouldn't be in pain 24 hrs a day. I wouldn't spend my days in a depressive state because I'm not able to earn a living like my friends and family. But, I have resigned to the fact that the Fibromyalgia, Meniere's Disease, Osteoarthritis, IBS are in control and not me. 

Sitting in a closed room with four individuals that I have never met, three of whom will decide my fate and one who for all intense purposes is the enemy. (Canada Pension Rep)

I never asked once for this. I never woke up one morning and said, 'Hey, I think I need to be in crippling pain for the rest of my life'. 

My only hope now is that the people deciding my fate have a soul and are compassionate. Yes, they have a job to do and I get that. Anyone who saw me yesterday could see the pain I was in. My face doesn't hide it well any longer. 

Four more months of waiting and then........

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